The Warubozu Usagi

11:59 pm

Parked on Mars at Colony 0011 near Promethei, between the Niger and Harmakhis Vallis

While most people would have shunned the purchase of a microship that stalled on a test flight, the Black Flea crew was thrilled. They got a massive discount allowing them to purchase heated split leather seats with built-in massage, a pair of big-ass screens, and an espresso machine with a dedicated water tank. After roughly 20 hours of nonstop work, the crew of the Black Flea have mostly completed the refurbishment and modifications to their newest addition to the family, the Baby Black Flea.

WU: I'm so tired, but it was all worth it.

S: How can you be tired? All you did was some minor body work and paint the ship's exterior.

WU: Hey, I replaced the interior carpeting, changed the lights, put in the espresso machine, and installed the seats!

S: (sarcastically) Wooo, so much work!

WU: You bet it was.

S: No, I was being...

SM: Syvil, are you finished with installing the cloak?

S: Just waiting on testing after the engines are hooked up and ready to fire.

SM: Cool. I only have the reprogramming of the engine modules left before I'm ready to flash to the ECMs. Oh, and adding the sensor modules to the main unit inputs. Did you route the wiring?

S: I left that to Red.

RP: Heard my name. What's up?

SM: Sensor wiring — where are we at?

RP: Done.

WU: So...a couple of hours left?

RP: More like a half-day. We still haven't tested anything.

S: Warui, go procure 160 rounds of 40mm ammo, would you?

WU: High-explosive, depleted Uranium, smart, or plain?

S: Hmm.

RP: Get the smart ammo! Oh shoot, we need to install a wireless programming interface for the four guns. Nevermind.

S: High-explosives.

WU: Roger that. So, what should I tell Doogé? Tomorrow?

S: Are you going to call him?

WU: Yeah. I was going to speak to him about invoicing this microship and all the mods to get reimbursed.

S: Are you serious?

WU: Of course. I think we should save our money so we can establish The Black Flea Station homestead project.

SM: No we're not.

WU: Come on Shoko, think about how much space you'll have to build all sorts of things.

S: Warui, when you begged us to join you on the Black Flea, you told us we were going to have the most amazing shiplife journey in the galaxy.

WU: Uh huh.

S: What's changed?

WU: That's still the plan, but I think we should have someplace ready if we decide to quit.

S: With you at the helm, we're more likely to die.

WU: (without batting an eye) Sure. That's why we all have accounts with BrainCopy.

SM: When was the last time we refreshed our backups?

RP: Two months?

WU: Look we'll be “alive” for forever. So I thought we should have a place on a piece of rock. I even have a tagline for it: “The future of today starts tomorrow.”

RP: Ooh, I like that.

WU: Right? We'll be the frontier of freedom on Mars, a bastion of Utopia.

S: But, how can you build a village when we're not even going to be there most of the time?

WU: Well, I don't expect to open it until 2099 so we've got lots of time.

S: Baka. Enough talk about your station. Go get the ammo.

WU: Hai, okaasan!

S: (whacks Wu-chan on the arm) Urusai, ojiisan!

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

11:07 pm

Stuck on Mars

The crew has completed the refitting and refubishment of their microship, the Baby Black Flea, but have suddenly realized they made a crucial error.

WU: (in disbelief) Majide?!?

S: (stink eye at Wu-chan) Whose fault is this?

SM: Don't be so hard on Wu-chan. None of us caught it and it's been staring at us all this time.

RP: Ha, ha! I can't believe no one thought about it.

WU: We have no choice. We have to convert the landing gear from shock skids to wheels, which means we need to add brakes, too. Red, can our cargo winch handle the load of the Baby Black Flea?

RP: Uh. I wouldn't risk it, if that's what you're asking.

S: We need a new winch, too? Ugh. We have to spend another day on Mars. Seriously, Wu-chan, why do you want to live on Mars? This half-assed terraformed planet is still a dry, desolate place.

WU: Syvil, Syvil, Syvil. Mars is going to be a second Earth in the next century.

SM: So, why did you pick a spot below the presumed sea level?

WU: I did?

S: (facepalm) ...

SM: Yeah. When they finish terraforming Mars, your Black Flea Station is going to be about 3 kilometers underwater.

WU: Well damn. But why did those other colonies locate below the sea level?

S: Baka. Didn't ypu notice they were primitive? They're not permanent. We're in the boonies of Mars, you baka usagi.

WU: Fine. We'll have to scout a new place for The Black Flea Station.

RP: So, three sets of wheeled landing gear, brakes, and a new winch?

S: And another day in this hellscape.

WU: (two arms raised) Another day in tomorrow's paradise, today!

S: (whacks Wu-chan on the arm) Urusai!

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

11:30 pm

Still on Mars

Landing gear replaced, replaced winch, the crew is ready to load up The Baby Black Flea into the Black Flea. Wu-chan has other plans. Instead of flying to Earth, he wants to scout Mars homestead spots.

WU: Look, all I'm saying is, we got all this money from Doogé that we ought to go ahead and start looking for a place to homestead and register.

S: Are we ever going to do the job Doogé hired us to do?

WU: Yeah?

SM: Not inspiring confidence, Wu-chan.

RP: Cap, we can quit the job, right?

WU: Uhh....

S: Nope. Wu-chan got Doogé to accept the invoice and transferred funds immediately. We're on the hook, now.

WU: Come on, it's just a day.

S: Fine. Where to?

WU: Well, I realize most colonies are along the northern lowlands, but I feel confident that we can find someplace above sea level around the Hellas Basin.

SM: Are we still looking for craters?

WU: Yeah, but I think we look for rocky craters deep enough to eventually fill with water, and we build settlements along the inner edge of the cliffs. You know, cliff-dwellers like the Anastasias of the Americas.

S: You mean the Anasazi of the southwestern US?

WU: Yeah, Asastatsi.

S: Anasazi.

WU: Ananasi.

S: (rolls eyes) Ah-nah-sah-zee.

WU: Koyaanisqatsi?

S: (stink eye) You're just messing with me, aren't you?

WU: Yep. So, like the cliff-dwelling indigenous people of the southwestern arid lands of America.

S: (jaw dropped)...

WU: The cliff edge does the bulk of protection against, well, everything. All we need is to build a platform for the Black Flea, unless we find a place that has a spot to land.

RP: Wow. You've thought this through.

WU: Yeah. And so, that's why we need to fly around and scout for places. The topo maps of Mars are still crap, especially any place that's not near the northern lowlands.

SM: I'm in.

RP: Me too! This sounds like fun!

S: Okay. Let's do this.

WU: Yatta! You guys, I promise you will not regret this!

S: (whacks Wu-chan on the arm) You just couldn't resist jinxing us, could you?

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

11:59 (ish) pm

Scouting sites on Mars

The Black Flea crew is flying the Baby Black Flea around the Hellas Basin to find a suitable spot for their Black Flea Station.

RP: No offense Cap, but can we call the place something other than Black Flea? It's getting confusing.

WU: (without skipping a beat) Red Tick Station, then.

S: What's the deal with the annoying pests?

WU: Zebra Mosquito Station?

SM: (scratching) I'm starting to itch all over.

WU: (pointing to a 10 km-wide crater) How about that?

S: Edges are not rocky enough. Looks like an old crater with tons of erosion.

WU: Fire Ant Station?

RP: I hate fire ants.

WU: Exactly. We don't want the average yokel signing up to be a part of this place. We can have a whole backstory about how we built this on the site of a massive fire ant colony.

S: (raised eyebrow) I thought you wanted people to buy into this colony?

WU: (pointing to a smaller but taller crater) Ooh, how about that one? Don't get me wrong, I definitely want people to join us, but think of the name as a litmus test. I want people who get the inside joke without having to be told about it.

SM: That crater is a half-kilometer above sea level. It won't stay filled with groundwater.

(Meri looks up, yawns, gets up to stretch, then goes back to sleep in Wu-chan's lap)

WU: Meri, don't you want to see your future home, today?

(Meri looks at Wu-chan, turns her head, settles back and closes her eyes)

S: Ha!

WU: Home is where the heart is. Ooh, how about that crater with the crater inside it? That is pretty cool, don't you think?

RP: How so?

WU: We could build a forest in the main crater and use the smaller one as a water reservoir.

SM: Create a microclimate zone?

WU: Yep.

S: (confused) Who are you?

WU: My dear Syvil, below this veneer of aloofness and ignorance is a seriously sharp brain.

S: Warui, I've known you for over 20 years and you've never said anything brilliant in the previous 19.

WU: Some things need time to age properly.

SM: Our brains haven't aged a day since we switched them out to shells and started receiving telomere-mediating drugs.

WU: No, I mean, since getting into these shells, I've been more lucid and learning faster.

SM: (staring into Wu-chan's eyes) Are you on drugs?

WU: If you're asking me if I've been taking BEPPU, yes.

RP: What's BEPPU?

WU: Brain Enhancing Polymath Power Unleashed. It's a pill to heighten your focus to help you see and learn things faster.

S: Speed.

SM: Amphetamine.

WU: Microdose, sure, but there are other things in it.

RP: So, drugs.

WU: We're all on some sort of drug.

S: Well, just hope you don't burn your brain.

WU: Wait, what?

S: Okay, I think that crater is cool. Shoko, check the registry.

SM: (checking in on the Mars land registry) All clear. No name, too.

WU: Awesome! I'm calling this place the Dung Beetle Station!

RP, SM, S: NO!

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

11:59 (ish) pm

Spending the day at an uncharted crater on Mars just north of the Hellespontus Montes

Having flown back to the Black Flea and with the Baby Black Flea parked inside “Mother”, Wu-chan has decided to fly the Black Flea back to the crater they selected.

RP: Cap, I think we picked the wrong crater. This thing is...massive.

WU: (seriously reviewing his options) Hmm. Perhaps a 32 kilometer crater is not the right choice for establishing a colony.

S: Well, I guess that's that. Time to fly back to Earth.

WU: (spotting a tiny crater, pulls up topographic map and measures it) How about that one? It's just over 3 kilometers across.

SM: (reviewing the map) It'll work for water collection and retention.

WU: (reviewing the Mars land registry) And it's not claimed.

RP: Let's fly down into it!

WU: Shoko, can you scan the topo while we're here?

SM: On it.

(Syvil pilots the Black Flea into the unclaimed, uncharted crater)

SM: There's about 2 megaliters of water storage capacity below sea level. At 60 meters in elevation above sea level, we'd have about 0.87 square kilometers of green landscape. It's a sustainable crater, Wu-chan.

WU: What do you think, Syvil?

S: I guess it's okay. But what are we going to build and how?

WU: (pulls out his tablet and directs his sketch to the main screen) Here's a quick schematic of what I'm thinking. Most of the forms would be printed using a lime/cement binder to the local clayey soils and rocks. Wouldn't take much time just to build the base up, we just need local water to use with the binder.

S: How did you draw that so quickly?

WU: I'm talented, Syvil.

S: Ha. You're not that talented.

WU: (nodding profusely with a big grin) Syvil, fly in a 10 kilometer grid. Shoko, can you do a gamma scan of the ground for water?

SM: Yep, on it.

(an hour later and after two rounds of cappucchinos the crew is wired and excited)

SM: (bouncing off her seat and dancing) Yatta! We've got water!!!

WU: (jumping up and down) We're going to become landowners!!!

RP: (gesticulating wildly) Woo hoo! We're Martian homesteaders!

S: Yay. Now can we fly to Earth?

WU: Syvil, aren't you excited? We're going to be landowners! Why are you in such a hurry to get to Earth anyway? Doogé's job doesn't have a fixed timetable.

S: Don't you miss Earth at all?

WU: Sure. (fake gag) But it's not the green and blue planet it once was and most of the fresh water is contaminated.

S: ...

WU: (fake cough) And when you breath without a mask, it smells like a billion people died.

S: But I miss home. Don't you miss home?

RP: Not really. My family is scattered across the galaxy.

SM: Nope. Mom and dad left Earth years ago.

WU: Syvil, you're an orphan. Why would you care about home?

S: Pistachio gelato.

WU: Nani?

S: I miss sitting on the bench and watching the sun set while eating pistachio gelato with you, Red, and Shoko. I remember the warmth of the sun, and the joy of being surrounded by my closest friends. That was when I realized that you guys were my family.

(stunned silence)

WU: Syvil, let's get off this rock right now and head back to Earth.

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

9:00 pm

Under an hour out from Earth, from Mars

Prime (the name assigned to our solar system in 2070) is the only solar system where, because of frequent travel between the planets, each planet has its own wormhole gateway. The Black Flea would have normally wormholed between Mars and Earth. However, it's the holiday season and the Earth gateway is booked solid from mid-November through Chinese New Year. Instead, they flew the Black Flea on boosted impulse which cuts the normal 36 hour trip down to roughly 24.

RP: Are we there yet?

S: No.

Meri: Wuf!

RP: Meri, you're gonna love Earth. Amazing red sunsets with orange skies!

WU: The sunsets used to be yellow and the skies blue, you know.

RP: (winks one eye) Okay old man, whatever you say. What next, kids used to walk to school everyday without sunscreen?

WU: As a matter of fact, yes.

RP: Cap, you're only five years older than me.

WU: Oh no, not me. I once went down a rabbit hole exploring how people lived in New America and New Hawaii before they Great War. Get this: they used to post everything about their lives on this thing called “social media”.

SM: Oh, I've heard about that. Something called Tattler? Toddler? Toggler? Tooter?

WU: Twitter. That was the predecessor of this thing called Mastodon.

SM: That's right. Can you imagine having your world exist around a centralized network controlled by a megalomaniac?

S: You realize we're surrounded by megalomaniacs, right? Mandilet has a hive full of them, from the top all the way through their subsidiaries. I mean, we're breaking into one of them.

SM: (stands up and raises a fist) Long live the Black Flea and the flag of Anarchy!

(Red, Syvil, and Wu-chan follow, standing up and throwing a fist in the air)

RP, S, WU, SM: Wuf!

Meri: Wuf?

WU: Oh, sorry Meri. It means we've taken vows to be dawgs of anarchy to the very end: loyal, loving, and accepting of each other.

Meri: Wuf!

RP: Are we there yet?

S: No.

WU: Syvil, we haven't been back to Portlandia since we switched out to shells, right?

S: Yeah.

SM: No one's going to recognize us.

S: Good. I resented most of the people I knew, there. Stupid social stratification.

WU: So, if not for pistachio gelato...

S: Not just for the gelato. I like the rivers, the sunrise and sunset from Council Crest, and I miss picking wild blackberries all around the city.

WU: So, just the people.

S: Well, not all the people. Just, you know, most of my classmates I grew up with were stuck in social stratification and looked down on me for being an orphan. They'd congratulate me but they actually resented me when I'd win competitions.

RP: Are we there yet?

S: No.

SM: I want hazelnut chocolate gelato.

WU: Mmm. I'm going to have one scoop pistachio and one scoop maple brown sugar.

S: We're here, Red. Damn! Look at that stupid long queue for immigration.

RP: (ears drooped and sad-faced) Awww man. I want two scoops of strawberry shortcake gelato.

WU: This is why I hate coming to Earth. Oh shoot, did anyone fill out the agriculture form? Shoot, shoot, shoot.

S: (checks queue signage) Relax, we've got time. Sign says two hours.

WU: I'm making an executive decision right now: We're not leaving Earth without a gelato machine for the ship.

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

11:59 pm

On the ground just outside of Portlandia, New America

It turns out, nothing is open at night on Christmas Eve, in New America. The Black Flea crew has decided to instead partake in a relaxing evening just outside of town.

RP: Are you sure this is a good place to park and hang out?

WU: Mollala? Sure. I mean, it hasn't changed one bit in a hundred years, but the rural white folk won't touch the ship, on account that it looks like a police cruiser.

Meri: wuh.

WU: Hai, Meri. Kimochīi!

S: Not a bad alternative, Wu-chan.

SM: We need one of these on the ship.

WU: We need one at Tardigrade Station, too.

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

5.40 am

Yamagata Prefecture, Japan

Current situation: Complicated

Christmas Eve was wonderful. We relaxed at night in a hot tub near our ship, with a few inches of snow on the ground. We got to play in the snow, although maybe it wasn't the best choice on account that the snow was slightly radioactive. (One wouldn't think that decades after the Great War there'd still be elevated radiation in the outer Portlandia. Oops.) We weren't sickened by the snow — we are, after all, Hafu — but we hadn't considered our ship's protocols that locked us out to prevent radiation contamination.

We were left outside in the cold. Naturally, we moved back into the hot tub for the rest of the night. It wasn't until after sunrise that we — I — realized that, the Black Flea being an LSE-class spaceship, our ship had been equipped with an external decon shower outside next to the ramp door. In our — my — defense, we'd never been contaminated by radiation before. We — I — now know what that flashing green light was for, next to the ramp.

We'd — I'd — forgotten that most everything in New America was closed on Christmas. Syvil suggested that we fly 5 hours to Japan and hang out in Yamagata and the Ginzan Onsen. I suggested we just hang out in Portlandia so we could grab gelato the next day. We flew to Yamagata. Jageda Industries is near Busan, South Korea, so it was more convenient to be in Japan than in New America.

We haven't yet made our way to Jageda. We went sightseeing in Japan, instead. I could give you all the reasons why we did it, but the primary reason is that between Christmas and New Years, Jageda shuts down operations and blocks all employees from entering its buildings. Our fake credentials need Jageda to be open.

No one seems to believe me when I tell them that we are definitely going to do the Jageda job. Even Doogé called to ask he should look for another team. No rush, though, right? Besides, we still haven't worked through every detail of the operation and Syvil won't let us do the job until we've sucessully completed two walk-through simulations.

Oh, and since the Great War, there's been a NYE fireworks show on Lake Biwa. It isn't as good as their summer-time Great Fireworks Festival, but it's still better than anything else in Japan. Last night, we watched the fireworks show while in hover mode in our Baby Black Flea. Amazing views.

Akemashite omedetou.

Meri: Wuf!

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

5:15 pm

Kita Nashiro Beach in Okinawa

Two days ago, Doogé called the Black Flea to check if they were still intending to perform the job.

Doogé: Hello? Are you hearing me? Hello, are you there?

WU: (sipping on coconut water) Oh hello D'gu, how are you?

Doogé: It's still Doogé. Just checking in on you. Where are you at?

WU: We've got the hibachi going while enjoying the sunset at Kita Nashiro Beach on Okinawa.

Doogé: Got some of those Okinawan sweet potato on the grill, do you?

RP: Oh yeah. Wouldn't come all the way down here and not grab some to put on the hibachi.

Doogé: Mmm. Beni imu. Umai!

SM: Hontoni!

Meri: (mouth full) Mmf!

Doogé: Say, I have another job for you. It's really easy. You in?

S: We haven't done the first one and you want to give us a second?

Doogé: Correct.

S: Why?

Doogé: I like you guys. Also, you're the perfect people to do this.

WU: We'll do it! What's the job?

Doogé: Bring me back 50 kilograms of that sugoii Okinawan sweet potato!

WU: Done!

Doogé: Excellent! Now, about the Jageda job...

WU: We're almost ready to go, we just...

Doogé: January 25. It'll be Chinese New Year and Jageda will be holding a holiday party at night at their facilities. I just sent you the perfect fake credentials. You're going as caterers.

(Computer chimes in: “You've got mail!”)

SM: Oh?

WU: So, we're going as caterers doing...

Doogé: You're the bakers and you'll be bringing desserts and a giant cake.

WU: Ooh, are we spiking the desserts?

Doogé: Not exactly. I'm overnighting a box of non-replicating nanobots. It looks like dust and tastes like sugar. You need to sprinkle them evenly over every item you're dropping off. You can't sprinkle them more than 15 minutes before you deliver them. They have a 3 hour shelf life, after which they start to disintegrate and taste sour. If you start seeing people throwing up, your time is up.

S: What do they do?

Doogé: They make people extremely pliant to suggestion. That should help you get into just about any place you need.

WU: Excellent! Wait, what about Hafu and Synthers?

Doogé: Doesn't matter. It works on both organic and inorrganic neurocircuits.

WU: Cool! Hey, maybe we should try it on each other?

S, SM, RP: NO!

Doogé: Yeah, the vomiting is unpleasant and a dead giveaway. Now, before I go, turn the screen to the sunset, would you? I haven't seen an Earth sunset in decades.

---

— The Warubozu Usagi

Around midnight

Harajuku District, Tokyo, Japan

With lots of time to spare, the crew of the Black Flea has decided to spend some time around Tokyo. The first stop is Harajuku, where all the Kawaii-Hafu go to shop. Do Kawaii-Hafu need to wear clothes? No. They have fur covering everything. But they feel compelled to comply with societal norms and blend in by wearing clothes.

WU: (raised eyebrow) I dunno Syvil. I feel like I'm not going to find anything here.

S: (eyes glazed over) Kirei!!! Shoko, look at all these cute sweatshirts! Kawaii-Hafu sizes!

SM: (winks back at Red and Wu-chan) They fit you, too!

WU: Oh come on now. Us guys do not wear kawaii-hafu clothes. Isn't that right, Red?

RP: (head sticking out of kawaii-hafu shirt with sparkly chibi unicorn on front) What's that?

WU: (face palm) Red...why?

SM: Well I think he looks cute.

WU: He looks like a tourist making his first visit to Harajuku, losing his mind.

RP: Wow! It's true, this is my first time visiting! I love it!!!

WU: (squinting eyes) Red, you look ridiculous.

SM: Warui, urusai! I say Red is cute.

RP: (blushing) Do you like it?

SM: I do!

S: Me too!

WU: (pulling from a rack, black goth shirt with black lace and metal studs) Red, this is much better. We can be an emo pair, you and I.

RP: (eyes wide open and huge grin) Let's do it! Emo twins!

S: More like baka twins.

WU: Red, look! Black pleather long jackets and skull and bones chokers!

RP: Let's do this!

SM: Ugh.

S: We should have gone someplace else to shop.

WU: Too late!

---

— The Warubozu Usagi