Vulnerability
接着上一篇post里的内容。这个post里和Z的对话是很温暖的，对我来说觉得这是一个真正的relationship的开始。回顾这些对话，内心很温暖。我于是有了很开心很充盈的一天。
可是接下来呢？当我想要继续和他联系的时候，我内心却充满了焦虑不确定和害怕。我感到我想要和他说话的desire，但是我只觉得我自己是needy的状态。尽管他明明说了要我做我自己真实的样子，但是我头脑里的想象都是negative的。I worry that he will get annoyed at me contacting him today again. I am afraid that he is annoyed at me and do not really want to talk to me even if he was always very kind to me. I don't know if he being kind to me is “fake”. I don't feel comfortable telling him about it right now because this just makes it so explicit that I am being needy.
这是我感觉到pain的开始。而且这绝对不是第一次。而且这些和人建立关系的问题应该早就形成了只是我之前没有意识到而已。
在FFXIV里，我每次接触一个group潜意识里都在观察和寻找有没有一个让好的leadership的人（aka./or 让我感到safe）。当没有的时候，我是不会有想去有任何investment的（社交状态中的不自在）。我第一个static group遇到Z被他惊艳到了，这是我开始有想要靠近让我觉得有些safe的人的开始。我也加入过其他一些group，而那些group里面要不就是没有一个很kind的leader，要不就是focus在progress游戏而没有明显的大家交朋友的机会，要不就是组里有些dominating的personality让我觉得有些害怕所以I make myself small。
2020年我和Z也有很多deep conversation，但是很明显，自从我们从一个固定的static分开了之后，以及他一段时间不再玩FFXIV了，我是不知道怎么去维系这个relationship的。这个不知道怎么去维系，就是围绕着我头脑里所有的这些fear。我会有主动，会有试探，但是如果我的试探不能得到“热烈”的回应，我就会因为这些fear而致于一种挣扎的状态：我一方面好想和他有更多的接触好想和他有更多的connection，一方面在头脑里预想了所有的很坏的情况，想要却害怕，想要却自己告诉自己要不到，我的每一个想要的背后都是要不到的痛苦。所以我就干脆不要了。
在不知道怎么和他维系这个关系之后，我和他有半年多没有任何联系。再联系的时候，我觉得我已经把他当成一个casual friend了。（什么是casual friend的定义？不太确定，可能是我有意对他疏远，detach之后的状态？）我和他的联系好像naturally围绕着我们都喜欢的游戏FFXIV。可是那时候我因为和老板、课题之间的各种事情，我没有太多精力在这个游戏里，所以平时的联系也找不到支点。Life was challenging at that time. 我发现自从我对他detach之后，其实他有好几次看到我在玩一些游戏而主动找过我，我们口头上说的“we can play together sometime”也都是口头上说说而已，并没有put effort to make it come true；也尽管我每次和他有机会聊天的时候顺带说的I would be happy to raid with you也都是出自真心，我们也都会表露we miss the time when we were raiding together。(But we didn't try. Sometimes I felt that I have tried but he didn't, so I got frustrated and wanted to reduce the amount of effort I put in.)
After a lot of struggling, I asked Z to have a conversation saying I feel pretty messed up inside after talking to him. He asked me why. I said I don't feel secure. Then we scheduled to talk about it in the evening.
【I feel like a piece of shit. My energy of thinking about this conversation traverses high and low.】
With the help of chatGPT:
I'm not quite sure how to begin this, but I want to clarify upfront that my intention isn't to burden you with my issues, nor am I expecting you to solve my problems.
The truth is, I genuinely enjoy our conversations and feel a sense of closeness to you, and to a certain extent, safety. This isn't a common feeling for me, and I've noticed it often triggers my insecurities. I feel mentally torn between the discomfort of getting close and the desire to know you more. Frequently before initiating any conversation, I worry that I might be annoying and question whether your kindness towards me is simply out of diplomacy.
These insecurities and fears led to a lot of anxiety. I've noticed that they sometimes push me to run away from you or unconsciously push you away from me, so I am free from all possible hurt. I'm quite sure this isn't the first time I've felt insecure and perhaps distanced myself from you. This goes back to what I described before – that I'm always on guard and find it hard to let people get close. I don't want to continue this pattern, although so far I am not sure how. But I clearly see this as an opportunity for personal growth.
I'm also worried that if we get closer, we might realize that we don't share much in common and naturally drift apart, which would leave me missing our chats. But, I also worry if we don't chat regularly, it leaves me feeling unwanted and needy. Yet, I don't really know what I want or need from our friendship just yet.
It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to share all this with you, but at the same time, I believe it's important. I'm more than just the 'nice' me you saw, and I sometimes just feel broken. I hope this gives you a better understanding of me.
Now I just want to run away.
我晚上看到他discord在线，状态是某个游戏。我迟迟没有把这些发给他。他发给我消息are you doing OK？checking on you。我再犹豫了一下之后把上面写的草稿一个字一个字地打在了discord上。发了之后只觉得上身有些抖。
然后对着老公哭了一下，说我真的不知道怎么交朋友。
我坐在椅子上，听着Hiroyuki Sawano的歌，突然想到lzx。在初升高的暑假，我一定也给他写过类似的朋友关系的信。这种表达了之后等待的感觉好像和那时候一样，而lzx当时写给我的回复是，觉得两个人总在一起太腻了，他想要君子之交淡如水。
我正在想着lzx那时候给我写的回执，想象着我再一次被拒绝的感受。这时候收到了Z的逐条回复。
他说 If it was we wouldn't be on such a deep level of knowing one another, I wouldn't be ... None of it is diplomatic in any way. 他说
Quote: I'm also worried that if we get closer, we might realize that we don't share much in common and naturally drift apart —> I am enjoying getting to know our differences a lot. I really like and enjoy our friendship xx(my name). :–)
Quote: It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to share all this with you —> I understand this on a very deep level and I am so proud of you for sharing this with me and feel very honored that you had so much courage to do this.
Quote: I believe it's important. I'm more than just the 'nice' me you saw, and I sometimes just feel broken. —> Here to help you out and fix you in any way I can if there is anything I can do to help.
Quote: I hope this gives you a better understanding of me. —> It does, a lot. Thank you.
Quote: Now I just want to run away. —> Take all the time you need.
他：why do you feel like you'd be unwanted and needy? 我：Hmm... Because... You have your life 他：Yes, and? I have my life sure, but I make time for the ones I care about.
Hiroyuki Sawano的歌在背景音乐里澎湃，我的眼泪就是断了线的珠子。
混乱的思绪。
初中的水水，X；高中的lzx，那个我看到的天赋和细腻的心。那个中学时代可以为了别人付出很多很多的自己。间断的记忆画面，不成故事，只想起把真心话写在纸条上传给他们后的等待；还有我小心翼翼地把所有的纸条都珍藏好。而在高中最后被lzx伤害之后，我就再也没有给任何人写过纸条了，也下定决心不会再给任何人写纸条了。 我写给Z的消息，就像是那些纸条。
我想起了老板。2021年在我和他发生authorship的冲突之前，我们在zoom视频电话里，我平静地告诉他他之前做的哪些事情伤害了我的感情。我以为我们的关系最终能够达到一个深度。但是最终我们还是惨淡收场。想起我的therapist对我说，我老板不是一个safe person。
翻开高中的随笔本，整个高二的我都是笼罩在阴郁里。看到我写的“我才知道lzx给我带来的伤害和影响可以这么深。我一点一滴所做的，和最后这个样子连陌生人都不如的结局让我觉得真实莫大的讽刺。长久的没有回报的付出，原来是在一点一点挫伤我对自我价值的概念和对人世间人与人交往的隔阂的恐惧。” 隐隐地感到，我内心好像有sadness被深深地封存了下来。我就是在lzx之后决定醉心纯粹科学，心无旁骛的；好像是再也不会爱了。那个感性、细腻、感受着生活酸甜苦辣的我。
我让思绪都到高中的回忆里，沉浸在其中，好像就不用去面对眼前和Z的所有接触了。
Z发给我一段语音: “What you have typed to me was very heartfelt and touching to me. I really deeply appreciated the fact that you felt like you were very close to me, and you were worried that you would lose me and you felt like you would distance yourself to me. You are not gonna do that. Ha. This is gonna sound weird, but like... You are stuck with me xx(my name). We have been friends for a very long time and absolutely nothing is gonna change that. Will there gonna be moments where we might... you know... have different interests or shit? Fuck yeah there is, fuck yeah there is gonna be. So I wanna ask you questions about those interests of yours, so that you can explain them to me, or at least you can try to explain them. I am a different person than like... who you may have been friends with before and all of that. And like... I wanna say that you are a different person in comparison to the kinds of people that I have been friends with and all of that. So, it is one of the reasons why I have really enjoyed keeping our friendship in tact and like... not just like... distancing myself. I am doing whatever I can to reconnect with you, because I felt such a great connection between the two of us as friends and I never, ever want to lose it at all. And... I get it... I get your insecurities. And I completely understand being mentally torn between your discomfort and your desire. All you're gonna do is just to ask me anything. That's it. If you want to ask me more, go ahead. If you want to get to know me better, go ahead. If you want to see whether I fucking look good, well you've already seen what I look like in real life... Hold on, that's not fair. I don't know what you look like. So there is that... But, yeah. I have been open to you xx(my name). I trust you. I literally trust you with anything at this point. I am going to tell you like... really deep things, and just like anything about me that you are willing to know, that willing to want to know.“
我有些不知所措/不知怎么回复，但是听到最后他说的一串go ahead，我觉得好开心。开心地笑了起来。
接着我们有了更严肃的对话。是他发起的。我们讨论了是否对对方有非分之想（没有，他把我当作朋友，家人，妹妹），讨论了他对我已婚的边界，讨论了我们是否对对方对这段关系的意图有过误解（他看我发给他的消息有一瞬间对我的意图的误解）；我们promise了no lies。然后我们聊了他前面的几段感情和现在对感情的态度。
对于我来说，最重要和最难的是去把我所有的不安都告诉他。他非常kind地回复了，是锦上添花。我知道就凭他现在这一次回复，我可能不会一下子就变secure。但是他的那一串go ahead好像真的就是给我的通行证。
其实我和他聊了更多之后发现他并不是我想的那样对自我觉察/work on oneself etc.有做那么多功课，以及他的生活背景比我要复杂得多得多得多，完全是两个世界的人。但是就仅凭他的两个优点（1）很明显的communication能力一流，（2）他没有回避问题而是非常direct、honest地和我交流，我就觉得这段和他的relationship是值得的，并且会很有意义。
我可能从他对我讲的他的感情经历里面来看，对他和我这么大的不同有一点点的失望；也可能是对他和我不同的不熟悉而产生的一些畏惧。还有什么呢？还有什么是我想要work on的呢？这或许不会是一个我想象中的healing process，但是我觉得我现在能够更放松地去问他任何问题了，而他说话的时候都是这么nice，那么我的不安和不确定，一定能够在某日得到soothe。而我和他的relationship最后能到什么程度呢？这一次让我觉得很难，两个人都有些不太comfortable的严肃的对话都能够顺利进行，可能我们之后的交流只会更坦诚。我还想work on的是，某日向他表达我的愤怒。We will see.
If you would like to leave a comment, feel free to contact me at Mastodon @bios@moresci.sale