Grief
周三下午和老板有一对一meeting, 我提醒老板paper review两周后due，并让他看了我写的针对reviewer要求的证明草稿。花了一个小时的时候去读和改那部分的证明。以往可能我会觉得效率低下，但是我注意到因为这部分的内容是我特别想要加强的，所以老板的input对我来说是非常valuable的，于是我还算是很enjoy这个过程。【所以我注意到我对老板风格的反应，是和我自身状态很有关系的。This non-annoyance is interesting, because this could mean that how I felt about him is really related to my desire and my needs. So it could be completely fine if he is just being himself and he can get along with other students. While maybe it could just be me that my personality does not match his style from the very beginning. I saw no way to admit it when I was younger. Really. If I agreed with this personality mismatch, how could I talked myself through and survived these years.】
接着老板在读proof的过程中注意到有一处的证明过程有跳跃，结论是正确的，但是步骤没有很清晰。所以我们就临场想把这个证明写清楚。老板在白板上想证明方法，一边写我们也都同意这个证明方法绝对不是最clean的。而我一边听就一边想到了另外一个证明方法，我写在了白板上指给老板看。老板一看就点头了说“That's awesome!”
【我注意到这句“That's awesome!”对我的影响。这好像是第一次，这么多年的第一次，我真的take in了老板对我的compliment。像过去，极有可能老板也说过对我的赞扬，但是我自己是不觉得我deserve的，我最常做的就是在心里reject，说这根本就不是一个big deal。但是这一次，我没有任何rejection，而是在听到老板这样说的时候我完完全全认可他说的。 Yes, I agree—that's awesome!】
这个和以往不同的反应给我很大的冲击。我意识到我内心的desire，那份对数学的desire就在慢慢恢复，和我对自己的信心。我惊讶于这份自身逐渐生长出来的自信。
晚上回家之后这种shock的感觉一直没有平静，我好像心里有很多东西，但是我梳理不清楚所以觉得有些不安和烦躁。没有意识到的，我开始不自主刷网页刷手机去逃避这种不安烦躁的感觉。然后我点开手机全民k歌，无意中就听到这首歌。
《愿你》by 黄静美
刚听到前两句头脑里就想象起这是我要对老板说的话。 接着脑海里各种记忆闪过，高中的数学老师、刚上老板的课被理论吸引但是一直觉得not belong，到各种过去。。。到现在，好长好长。就像这篇post里描述的那样，“会有那么一天当我内心的渴望从其他方面得到满足的时候，我不会再希望从老板身上去得到，也就不会再被老板draw in了”。于是这是我离开的时候了。《愿你》里的每一句都是祝福，每一句也都是诀别。
悲从中来。 The sadness feels very different from before. Subtle, but different.
In the past when I felt very attached to him, all the sadness I had thinking about leaving was about not being able to work with him again, not being able to get closer to him again. I felt sad about leaving him, and I didn't want to.
But the sadness I am feeling now is that I am leaving you all the good wishes, and I am saying goodbye. I am not going to come back again. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to all my past 8 years. Maybe this is not sadness. Maybe this is more of a grief.
Grief. The desire to get closer to him died, or more accurately, was killed. Part of me died with it, while a new me was reborn.
I wrote the lyrics, thinking maybe I will practice more and eventually send those as a gift to him.
While I was writing this post, I heard the other song 《公子向北走》. The lyrics matches more about how I felt. So I wrote it down and had a thorough experience of all the feelings in the song:
Everything is a process. I believe that when this grief passes, happiness will come to celebrate the new me.
If you would like to leave a comment, feel free to contact me at Mastodon @bios@moresci.sale