释然
又是一个星期想要和Z联系的尝试，期间他简短地回复了几次，原本说了回电话通话，但是最后他又有各种原因取消和我的电话。接着就又是消息不回复的状态。我向他明确表明了我在考虑和老公分开，想去和他尝试一对一的关系，但是他仍旧无动于衷。这让我很不确定他到底为什么要跟我分手。并且这种一直hanging的感觉很不好。我只能通过社交网站知道Z的动态，而他似乎无所谓的样子对我是一种折磨。
我终于发消息给了我和Z为数不多的共同朋友。其中一个朋友帮我去问了Z。我找她要到了截图：
Things were really rocky from the start of everything and then things kept going up and down and I just didn't think we were compatible even after everything that could have been solved so I am not really talking to her right now because I need to figure out where I am with so many things going on on my end. I have admittedly chosen not to respond to her messages lately. Lots of things happened over the last few months and with how she treated me and the times I admittedly ignored her post how she treated me, I am realizing we may not work out at all and I need to do some more inner work and reflection.
It's just at this point, everything that has happened floods into me anytime I see her messages to me. Her own anxiety is out of control to the point where she made baseless accusations against me and it absolutely hurt me. I had also told my friends about this entire relationship and they suggested I leave. She is not mentally fit to be in a relationship and I am too avoidant of any relationship conflict to want to even try.
我看到这些消息才直到Z在想什么，才觉得这几个星期我的reach out都没有回复有了一个closure。诚然I feel pretty hurt seeing this... 但是我也确实从中看到了我的焦虑给relationship带来的问题。我也反省了我自己，自从和Z在一起就因为害怕失去了迷失了自己，我的所有抉择好像都是为了他，而我不知道我自己的人生想要什么。这样一个不知道怎么自处的我确实会给关系带来很多harm。
朋友说她觉得Z可能仍旧对我是有感情的，可能会花他一些时间去给我回复；朋友说她这样觉得是因为Z说他要有更多inner work and reflection，而通常reflection可能会给一些不一样的insights。朋友建议我再reach out Z一次，把我的各种feeling都表达出来再试一试。
朋友也agree说Z is terrible at communication.
我于是写了又一长串文字给Z:
If you need time and space I would understand. If you have the bandwidth, I wish at one point we could communicate.
What happened between us was rocky at the beginning because of the relationship structure, and you lost your job a few weeks after we were together. Long distance adds challenge. Given these, we still had a lot of good times when we met in person. I really enjoyed hanging out with you in person, talking to you, laughing with you, hugging, cuddling, kissing and having sex with you. When we were not physically together, we also had a lot of fun playing games and doing co-ops together. I enjoyed your company. I care about you and love you. I have expressed those through different ways, like messages, letters, gifts, etc.
We resolved many conflicts in the past, and we knew each other more through conflicts and learned how to adjust to each other. For example, I learned how and why you would prefer to play games on your own and to have more experience in games. I learned how you would like to interact in a static. I learned why you eat at a different amount and pace. I learned about you through your emotions and past. Those made you who you are, and I want to learn more and accept you for who you are, and ultimately figure out the best way to be together.
The past few months were very tough for us with external stress factors, and we had less quality time together. Those were the hard times in relationships. I believe the results coming out from hardship could be strong. Humans are like porcupines who want warmth but also not to get hurt from the quills when they are close; so they need to discover the proper distances. We saw how we were like when we were under stress, or even being the worst. It will be extremely valuable if we could find ways to be together after seeing the most authentic selves. Communication is important and I always insisted in open communication. I hope you could tell me how you feel about things and give me feedback.
Specifically, when you told me to break up, I was heartbroken. The phone call dropped in the middle and then I got no message, that made me panic, because I value so much of you. I was anxious and I was overwhelmed. Because of not knowing what you were thinking, I was afraid that you already decided to move on. I wanted to change the relationship structure; now when I looked at it, maybe it was better if I had done it earlier and if I was not going through therapy group transition last year, and maybe I could have figured it out last year, then things could have been different. A few weeks ago, it was also overwhelming for me to rethink about my marriage with C, and it was a big thing. You were important to me, and rethinking the relationship with C was shocking to me; under the two big things and life decisions, I was in a lot of pain and anxiety. I wanted to talk to you but I could only see you in game, so the pain led me to say those hurtful words to you, as I didn't have any clue where you were at. I made assumptions about you and I am sorry. I didn't think I really got to know how you functions, how you handles stress, how you handles overwhelming situations. I expressed a lot of my raw emotions to you and that was overwhelming—-I should have journaled first instead of putting them all on you. I am sorry that I hurt you in this way. I think this is also a chance for us to know about each other more and to know how we can handle things better in the future. I want to try to be more calm when I communicate and I want to get better at grounding myself.
I care about you. I truly value the connection between us, from 2020 to now, all the intimate conversations we had with each other, and the efforts we have put to understand each other: how we grew up, and how we became who we are now. There are still a lot we can learn about each other and that could be a very rich experience/relationship between us.
You are a special person to me, who I felt the strong connection even before I knew how you look like. So I really want to put in the effort to make the relationship between you and I work. I also want to have a chance if we can, to restart our relationship, in a monogamous way—I want to experience this because it could be very different from how things went.
I have been thinking and discussing with C about separation and moving out as the first step—-it is a matter of time because of financial reasons—-renting another apartment may require the current lease to end. This whole process is really a growing process for C and I. We learned a lot about each other and got more understanding about the situation. And me moving out is a new beginning of me.
Some of my anxiety originates from the way I grew up in China. Some of my anxiety was from my thought pattern. Some of my anxiety was caused by not getting message response. Some of my anxiety was also caused by the relationship structure which is out of normal. I wanted to work on myself a lot. In a way that all those problems were showing up within the relationship, and through the relationship, I found out what I need to work on. So I still think relationship can be used as a mirror to know, learn and improve myself. I didn't know how to love myself and thus that feeds into the anxiety, but at the same time, I also gave a lot to others—-I was very giving when I was with you—-I want to learn to love myself more.
I remember last year when we reconnected, you sent me some messages. I always had them in mind: (去年对话的截图，他说他witness了我三年的变化和成长。我说There may be many many other three years and I hope you will see all of them. 他说I will. I want to see all of those years. 我说 I would like to involve you. 他说 I would love nothing more than that.）
There may be many many three years... Like I said before, I value self exploration and growth. I have evolved once and there could be many rounds of evolution happening in the whole life span. Last year I said that I would like to involve you. I still do, in a form of partnership, if you are willing.
I really appreciate what you have done and have tried. I hope that we can restart our relationship in a fresh way. How we started the relationship was not ideal, the external stress you experienced throughout the relationship was not ideal. I still think that we were very good when we had time in person. I could try relocation too. There are still many good times between us, and we fit very well doing a lot of things. I think I have tried being very nurturing to you in general —– it was just that too much going on in the last few months which made the connection between us a bit difficult. I do think we can be a happy couple together. Like I said, I want to work on myself and I hope that you could communicate with me instead of bottling up your feelings. If you don't feel safe telling me, that could be something that I need to adjust. And you could let me know what you would like to see from me. I want to take feedback. I think couple therapy could really really help us if we hit roadblocks again.
I want to let you know that I value your need for space and time. So please take the time you need, and I will always be happy to have a conversation with you. (Call me out if I am not calm :P)
把消息发给Z之后，内心突然有种释然的感觉。我从一开始就看中个人成长，而且我很愿意和Z一起share这条路。但是这一次的契机可以让我直到，如果他不是那个愿意去和我一起成长的人，那么他也不是我的对的人。他也仍旧没有看到我的anxiety背后他的行为的trigger。
之后我也和老公聊了聊。我总结了一下过去几年和老公在一起的状态，尤其是我和老板有矛盾的时候是我焦虑最严重的时候。我问老公，他觉得我的焦虑情况怎么样。老公说exhausting。我问老公，为什么他没有离开我呢。老公说，因为和我在一起还有别的好处，而我不焦虑的时候挺好。听到老公这样说的时候，我对他产生了一种敬佩之情。老公确实一直情绪稳定，他的稳定让他能够tolerate我，也为我提供了支持。我对老公说，如果他因为我的焦虑离开我了，可能能早点让我意识到我自己的问题。我问老公有没有觉得我not mentally fit to be in a relationship；老公说我只是不知道怎么爱自己，但是我给予了别人很多。（感恩）【事后再想，老公这样说的时候仍旧很快很平静。其实如果让我慢慢体会，我是可以为之泪目的。或许或许，老公其实是懂我的。只是我们在表达上有错位？】
我顺便也接着和老公聊了我们的关系。couple therapy仍旧还在预约中，然而我和老公已经有了数个很平和的对话，我们似乎都很清楚可能分开是最好的。老公说他觉得我在婚姻里并不快乐；他对这个婚姻很ok因为他对亲密的需求很低，他不知道这是不是他fucked up的地方，但是他从小就很习惯一个人；但这并不是我想要的亲密关系。老公也说他好几年前就对我没有desire了，而他也ok这样，对他来说love就是support和commitment；他愿意去support我，因为他从support我的过程里感受到了被需要的快感。我提出我们可以尝试分居一段时间看看会不会重新有对对方的感觉；老公说可以试，不过他觉得很可能他不会怎么变的。然后我也向老公表达了我对move out的渴望：我过去的人生几乎全部都是为了别人而活：要成绩好，要科研好，只有这样才能被喜欢；我和老公在一起的时候取悦老公，我和Z在一起的取悦Z；而我不知道我自己真的喜欢什么、享受什么。我想要move out，想要一个人独自居住去找到自己。老公非常理解。老公也说如果我move out了，他会觉得更chill。几轮对话下来，我看出老公也在这个过程对他自己是怎么样的人有了更多认识，他也比以前更能够说no，而不是只是配合别人。当老公也终于能够真实表达他自己的时候，我和他才能真正看到彼此，也看到我们之间能/不能妥协的地方。其实老公才是切身见证我成长的人，只是他不会感触、也不会表达。
之后我又一个人在家踱步想着Z。 为什么Z对我是一个特殊的人呢？在2020年我和他初见的时候，他确实impress我了；但是我和他关系的逐渐走近，我自己其实是起了很大的驱动作用的，因为我首先敞开了我的心。【这说明我是有能力去和别人建立深刻联结的。】Z对我来说就是《小王子》里面那朵投入了心血的玫瑰。而我也确实在和他的接触中经过了我的很多很多第一次。或许，和他在一起的时候才是初恋的感觉。但是我也相信：
“确信自己有真心，就要确信自己是珍贵的。这不是自恋，因为确信的原因不是自己，而是那个真心。只有带着这样的确信，才能帮助我们从有限的自我走出去。对真心的执着，会让我们看到其他执着于真心的人，并像确信自己的珍贵一样，同样确信他人的珍贵。”
我或许封闭过我的心，但是真心，是我从初中开始就一直保有的；而我也相信，只要我以真心待人，我一定会找到下一个值得真心以待的人。
这就是真正的我。如果Z愿意和我一起走，我仍旧想要去尽我最大能力去爱他（同时也学会更懂得去爱自己）；但是如果Z不愿意和我一起走，我也会好好的，也会找到那个愿意和我一起的人。我也不知道Z最后到底会不会回复我，或是跟我有一个对话；但是这已不重要。It's his loss :–)
我谢谢朋友帮我问到了Z的想法，因为这对我来说就是我需要的closure，我对未来的路也更清晰了些。仍旧感恩老公。或许我的下一步，是和L有更坦诚的沟通，然后离开学术界。
I think I am still sad though... Very sad.
If you would like to leave a comment, feel free to contact me at Mastodon @bios@moresci.sale