Awakening/Enlightenment
(类似的中文内容发在论坛里)
In the past a few days, during the interaction of Z, I was drawn to the scary and sacred feeling by showing vulnerability. I felt like have an awakening experience that changed my life.
I talked to Z more and more about some of his personal life, and I saw his emotions, anger, sad, regret, loneliness and hurt. I believe this was a meaningful experience for him as well.
Even though we are close as such, deeply see each other at an emotional level, I still feel strong anxiety when he didn't reply my message in a short amount of time. This anxious feeling is so familiar. I remember I felt the same with my previous advisor when he didn't reply my email. I know this represents my attachment style. I know this happens when the relationship just gets to a certain close level and I really care about the relationship.
This anxious feeling was in my chest, heavily stuck and I could not breathe smoothly. I wanted to get rid of it. I talked to chatGPT. I searched on the web, trying to talk myself out of the state or finding a way to change my perspective. I tried to have more deep breath. But nothing really works. After a few seconds of comfort, it came back. I know this is my work. I laid down on the sofa, feeling the anxiety. It was so unbearable. I felt the pain in me, the struggling, and then a thought came to my mind, nobody loves me. Sadness swallowed me. The hurt was so strong. It was not related to the anxiety itself, but all the past of my life. I was craving for something, always craving. I want love, a lot of love.
I thought about the my craving for love. I thought about my previous advisor. I re-experienced all the pain I had when I was in his group. I cried for myself, for all the love I didn't get, for all the love I crave from him. I thought about my family, my parents and my childhood. I thought about my middle school, and high school. I saw the me at all these different stages of my life, seeking for love. My inner drive, was the desperate crave for safety and love. The critical decisions in my life, wise or unwise, were driven by love and connections. Emotional connections and intellectual connections.
The connection was what I was craving for for my whole life. (Being the smartest or coolest person will never give me what I crave for.)
This realization at a deep emotional level shocked me. I thought about my whole therapy process. I related to N in the therapy group and remembered her description of how much she was craving for connections. A lot of memories in the therapy group came to my mind that I could not name for. I felt that everyone in the therapy group taught me things about human connection and love. I felt that everyone in the therapy group showed me kindness and love. They love me by giving me space in the group to talk because I didn't know how to insert myself in the sessions. They love me by encouraging me to speak. They actually love me for the imperfect me at the present moment, working to move forward, working to learn about myself. They validated my feelings. They tried to put themselves into my shoes. They let me be who I am right now and patiently being with me on my life journey. If this were not love, what would love be?
I was so grateful for them to show their kindness to this shy, quiet girl.
Memory from childhood... (tears) All the past... The moments when they loved me for who I am and the moments I felt hurt by them. They tolerating me for who I am is actually a sign of love, but I chose to not see it. Instead, I had the belief of myself that I was not worthy of love.
With me being loved, what do I have fear for? Be it conflict, with proper listening and communication, I will be understood and thus supported. Be it judgement, there will always be people who could understand me and be on my side. There will be people with me.
I thought about the honest, authentic emotional communication in therapy group, craving for all the important relationships around me to be like this.
Then here it came another wave of grieve. My loneliness was caused by the fact that I didn't give enough time to the relationship that is important to me. I was workaholic and worked so hard to trying to get love. But my time was put onto the wrong thing. I had no time for my relationships. I didn't have the awareness to say what I want or what I feel to communicate effectively when I was with my previous advisor.
What was I doing for my whole life? 又是一场错付吗？
What about my relationship? For example with my husband. Z's story came to my mind. He said he was treated the best when his ex-girlfriend ordered food for him and sent him hand-written letters of her story. This made me think, what was it like at the beginning stage of me and my husband? Some memories came to my mind.
At the beginning phase of my relationship with my husband, I sent him hand-written Chinese poems on Valentine's day, but he didn't seem to appreciate because he didn't understand Chinese. I only said “hey you don't take a look at this?” and no more. I was disappointed, but I suppressed it, and I never did it again.
In early 2018, there was one time he was playing games and I wanted to get his attention. I was very likely to be annoying. Then he got frustrated throwing his pen on his desk. My past-associated fear got triggered. I was frozen there in shock. Then I silently sat back to my desk, crying. I didn't know what to do.
I then saw the me with all the desires. I wanted my husband to understand me, to listen to me, to try to like what I like, to say compliment words to me, to support me using words, to communicate his emotions, to express appreciation. I saw myself validate all my expectations. These were what I wanted. These were how I could feel loved. Of course I didn't get them, because at first I didn't even know they exist, nor were they valid.
If it were not Z, I probably would never know those were what I wanted. A deep sadness came to me. Thinking about the conversation with Z and the love I got from Z, the first time ever, I understood in what situation will I ever want to have kids. The love, full acceptance, patience, kindness, support, were the environment I would want a kid to grow. And I can only be willing to do it with a loving partner who strives to grow together. The form of unconditional love shows itself, which I had never imagined before. I was indeed never being loved. At the same time, I again felt so appreciative for the kindness, and the soft and gentle side Z has showed me.
It was a long grieve process. I don't remember how long I was crying. I don't remember if I have ever cried for so many days. I lost 4 lbs within 4 days. Probably I was depressed.
This wave of depression leads to a feeling of enlightenment.
For every interaction I had with the people in the important relationships, they were the chances for me to practice being authentic, honest and do not shy away from what I was really thinking or feeling. This requires practice. I want more and more of it. This is the path to intimacy and the path to not feel lonely.
I then started to feel the excitement of pursuing authentic relationship. I am finally free. Be honest for how I feel and what I want, stand my ground for who I am; Feel the uncomfortable feeling of showing vulnerability and facing conflict, feel the risk and take the risk—-It is an adventure. If I am able to communicate this way... I feel empowered.
A month-ish ago, I felt extremely stressed about work. Usually the stress shows up as the form of unstoppingly worrying about work, and not able to enjoy any pleasure in life. But now, I feel that I will not be bothered by this kind of stress anymore, with the 2 reasons: (1) What is the meaning of my life? I think I deeply care about relationship, and if that were my pursue, I shall actively spend more time on that, instead of blinding thinking all the time should go to work. (2) The stress also came from the unknown expectation from L. Due to that we started working with each other not so long, my relationship with L is not strong. The stress could be an opportunity for a meaningful relationship with L.
The topic of LOVE
A few weeks ago when I went to Yosemite, I mailed a postcard to my previous advisor, saying that I thought of him. I mailed the postcard with the feelings for him, not expecting anything in return.
Surprisingly, right at the same day of the enlightenment, I received an email from my previous advisor, saying thank you for postcard related words.
Upon reading his email, I immediately could not stop crying.
I was expecting his love for so long, so long. But up to the day I left his group, I didn't receive the love I wanted.
Now I have already gave up seeking for his love, but started to take action to feel my love towards him, and express it. Amazingly, I received the love I was craving for for so long.
This shocking moment made me realize that, the ability to feel loved depends on whether I am able to give love. If my lens for love are closed, covered by hurt, anger, resentment, I may be rejecting the love even if I receive it. The ability to give love also opens the door for me to accept the love if I receive it.
Even if the email my previous advisor sent still does not have any words describing his inner world, but I can feel his words, and I accept him as how he is that he does not express himself much.
If you would like to leave a comment, feel free to contact me at Mastodon @bios@moresci.sale