The Warubozu Usagi

01.45 am

Missed their gateway slot, stuck on Zed

The Black Flea had an 11:30 pm gateway slot. Instead of wormholing out, they ran into trouble staying afloat in the atmosphere of Zed. Forced to land, they're unsure about why they had trouble flying.

RP: (eyes wide open) Ohhhhh shiiiiiiiit.

WU: What happened?

SM: Not sure. It's definitely...

S: Engine trouble?

SM: Not engine trouble. Everything's green.

WU: Should I send a request for help?

Meri: Wuf!

SM: (with her index finger raised) Hold on for a minute and let me work this out. Red, the vertical thrust engines are reading near-zero G. What's Zed's G?

RP: Dunno. The available data is incomplete. I guess no one's bothered to come down and measure it?

SM: Shit. So Cap, the engines defaulted to the near-zero G of space. Even though Syvil was overriding vertical thrust, the computer's automated pilot system took back control when it thought we were stuck in the upper atmosphere, forcing us down.

Meri: (sad look) Wuf?

WU: So...

S: She's saying it'll be okay once we add the correct G-data to the computer.

WU: Uhm, okay then. So...

SM: Someone needs to go outside and take a measurement of the planet's G.

WU, RP, S: NOPE.

SM: Someone has to. We can't get an accurate measurement with the ship's partial G compensation. (pauses) Actually, there is a way. We just need to turn off all the power...

WU, RP, S: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Meri: Wuf!

SM: Well, since I'm suited up, I'll go outside and take a reading.

RP: (sad) But, if they eat your brains, you'll be gone forever.

SM: No, no, no. I have a memory backup at BrainCopy. I mean, it won't be exactly me but it'll still be me.

(unexpectedly, three knocks on the exterior of the spaceship echo throughout the main quarters)

RP: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shi...

WU: (grabs Red by the shoulders and shakes him) Red, get a hold of yourself, man! That was just some rocks hitting the side of the ship.

S: (scared witless) Are you for real? Those were not rocks.

WU: (either projecting calm confidence or ignorance) Oh Syvil, you watched too many episodes of The Walking Dead, I think.

(before Wu-chan could continue, four slower, harder knocks on the exterior of the spaceship)

S: (cowering behind her chair) Nani sore?!? Uso! Uso! Uso! That's not rocks!

Meri: (quietly) wuf?

(Wu-chan gets up and proceeds to walk out of the main quarters)

WU: Come with me Red.

RP: How about I just hang here?

WU: Red, we're going to investigate.

RP: Do we have to?

WU: HAI!

SM: I'm coming with.

S: No Wu-chan, wait. How about we just sit tight and wait for whatever's out there to get bored and walk away?

(as though on cue, five slow, louder knocks on the exterior of the spaceship)

WU: I'm sorry Syvil, but I don't think this is just going to go away. Why don't you take Meri with you to your quarters and lock the door?

Meri: Wuf?

S: No. I don't want to be alone if you're going to die, I mean, if you're all going to die, I mean...(heavy sigh) whatever we do, we do together, the crew of the Black Flea will always be one.

WU: (smiles back at Syvil, again, unclear if calm confidence or dumb ignorance) We're not going to die, Syvil.

(on their way to the cargo ramp — the only exit except for an emergency roof hatch — they gear up for war with a million zombies, or as many zombies that can be taken out with two guns, one rifle, a grenade launcher, four combat knives, and one Meri with laser eyes)

WU: Okay Red, you hang at the opposite side of me, and signal how many are out there from your view as I lower the ramp. Shoko, point the gun at whatever position Red points at. Syvil, hold onto Meri and you tell her what to shoot at. Now remember, don't shoot until I say so. I don't want any accidents. You got that, Red?

RP: Yep.

WU: Shoko?

SM: Ready.

WU: Syv...

S: Just lower the ramp already!

WU: Okay, here we go.

(pushing the button, it's not apparent if anything is outide as the ramp is fully extended)

WU: Huh. No one's there. Everyone hold.

(Wu-chan starts to walk down the ramp, when suddenly he freezes as a shadow starts running back to the ship)

Unknown: Huuuuuuu!

RP: Aaaaaaah!

S: Zombies!

WU: No wait!

(light reveals something in an EVA suit, hunched over, huffing and puffing, holding a tablet)

Unknown: (Holding the tablet screen up) Looking for this?

SM: (pleasantly surprised) The planet's G-data!

WU: How did you know?

Unknown: You know, you're not the first spaceship to make an unplanned landing.

WU: Oh.

Unknown: You know, what is it with you people anyway? Isn't a Zombie designation enough to keep you away? Didn't you folks watch S79 of The Walking Dead? You're not supposed to go to a planet classified as Zombie.

WU: What, that? But, that's just horror fiction. No one actually thinks zombies are real.

Unknown: Pffft. (conversation turns dark) Hey. You uh, you kids wanna see real zombies?

S, RP, SM: NO.

WU: Yes. Oh, I mean, no.

(Syvil walks over to Wu-chan and whacks him on the arm)

Unknown: Well then, take this data and get out of here immediately. Next time, you might not be so lucky. (winks at them as he turns around and walks away)

(ramp starts to close)

WU: We are definitely coming back!

Unknown: (turns around and shouts from a distance) What did I just tell you? DON'T COME ba....

(ramp closed and locked)

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— The Warubozu Usagi