The Warubozu Usagi

11:43 pm

Overparked at Decca's Spaceport 13F, parking boot applied, fines still adding up, hours away from being impounded

Down the vertical transport pod they went. After two minutes of some Muzak, the doors open.

Doogé: So, welcome to my lair. No more traps, I promise!

WU: Dude, how far below the surface are we?

Doogé: It's Doogé and we're about 80 feet below on the top floor of my complex.

SM: To avoid FOABs, MOABs, and penetrating xrays?

Doogé: That, and most cosmic radiation. At this depth, we're able to do conduct research on scaled up quantum-time transportation experiments without the...

WU: (fake snoring) Boooooring. Where's the food?

S: (whacks Wu-chan on the arm) Warui! Stop tempting fate.

WU: (stomach growling) But, I'm hungry and I can't focus when I'm hungry!

Doogé: Ah ha ha ha! Let's go sit down and have some food. Wu, what would you like to eat?

WU: Do you have any Possibly Meat burgers or hot dogs?

Doogé: Sure. But wouldn't you rather have some Dagyu beef burgers?

RP: Dagyu?

Doogé: We stole DNA from several Wagyu cows and replicated our own stock which we now grow on Decca. We call them Dagyu cows after we recognized that we could GMO the flavor to make it more “beefy” and added some extra umami.

SM: Cool.

WU: Whew! When you said Dagyu, I thought you were using dogs.

Meri: Wof?

S: (glaring at Wu-chan) Warui!

WU: Oh Meri, you know we'd never let anyone take you from us and turn you into food!

Meri: (unamused) Wuf.

(Doogé walks them to the cafeteria)

RP: Oh. My. God. You have an entire cafeteria in here?!?

Doogé: Oh well, this is not just my lair. This is a research and living facility for over 200 people. It's 10 floors and an acre on each level. We're about 1/6th the size of the entire Empire State Building with a cafeteria on every floor.

WU: (jaw dropped) ...

Doogé: Order anything and everything you want off the menu. It's all on me.

(An hour later and after gorging two days' worth of food, Doogé comes back to the cafeteria)

Doogé: Oh dear. You didn't have to stuff yourselves. I was going to send you back with enough food to feed you for a week, even if you walked away.

RP: (belly sticking out and eyes rolling up, struggling to speak) I. Too. Much. Coma. Now.

WU: (slumped back in his chair) Oh gawd. So good. Sooooo much good food.

Doogé: So, who's ready to hear my proposal? Hey, didn't you have a dog with you?

S: Yeah, Meri likes to wander around, exploring everything. Sorry about that. Oh, and sorry if she poops somewhere random.

Doogé: No problem! More fuel for the fusion drives!

S: (poking Wu-chan) You hear that, Wu-chan? You should appreciate Meri for her presents.

WU: (barely awake) Yeah.

SM: We'll take notes just in case they fall asleep.

Doogé: Great! Let's go over to a lounge to talk.

(10 minutes later and halfway across the level, they reach a lounge, Meri nowhere to be found)

Doogé: I think you lost your dog.

S: Meri? Nah. Shoko just needs to call her.

SM: (pulls out whistle and blows) Fwuuuuuuuuff.

Doogé: I didn't hear anything.

S: Yeah, special dog whistle.

Doogé: Are you sure she can hear...

Meri: (appears behind Doogé) Wof.

S: Good girl, Meri! Did you stay out of trouble?

Meri: Wof.

Doogé: Aww, isn't that adorable! What a good girl!

Meri: Wof!

Doogé: Alrighty then. So, here's what I need your help in procuring.

()Wu-chan and Red have fallen asleep.)

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— The Warubozu Usagi