vixitusus

Second Post (or Why I'm Procrastinating Here)

The title says it all. I'm procrastinating. I wanted to write about the NHS today, and how I imagine going through it would be like. I wanted to contrast the quality of treatment, and the quality of the doctor-patient interactions (that I imagine) b/w NHS and the American system.

But I am consumed with other worries now. It's funny how just about anything can become a trigger for my anxiety.

Today's trigger was a tweet by a doctor I follow. She said she was not affiliated with an insurance company because that company wants her to spend 10 minutes per patient only.

And my mind immediately started spinning up thoughts and scenarios. Accompanying that was a vague sense of impending doom and the general tension in my chest that is anxiety. Oh well.

Now I am trying to figure out the implications of that tweet. What would it mean if America went single payer ? Would it mean that she would be able to give more time to patients ? Or less time ? And what would it mean for me, a foreigner ? What would it mean for me if I were a citizen instead ?

It also prompts me to wonder this – if I go to Mayo or some other hospital system now (where I pay the hospital, not the doctor directly), then how much time would the doctor spend with me ? And could I book two appointments together if I needed more time ?

I feel like each of these scenarios above needs to be expanded and delved into. I need to imagine what each scenario would be like in detail (as that's the only way to move on from this worry).

The good news (I guess) is that doctors are to some extent embracing telemedicine and other online systems to answer patient queries. So that's good. And it gives me some hope that if I have to go to a hospital based system, then I can get the answers I need from the doctor (even if the doctor doesn't spend much time with me).

There's some more worry. What will I tell the CBP and the TSA when I arrive at customs. I'm scared to tell them that I'm there for surgery – because what if they say I need a medical visa for that ?

Such are the worries that keep me from working towards my goal.

I also need to figure out if VED will work for me or not. If not, then in case of infection, my only hope is the Carrion Cast, a swift reimplantation, and the hope that early and frequent cycling will let me keep all my size.

If I lose too much size, then I'm probably not going to continue with my life. That much at least is clear. I'm scared to put this out there because I fear that my friends will mock me. But I should try to be honest about this. No point in hiding it. It matters that much to me. And it is what it is. If they're my friends, hopefully, they will understand.

Anyway, I'd like to start working on getting to America and for that I have to study. But I'm split between going running right now, or studying. Not sure.

I think I'll go running first, come back and finish 1.5 videos of TOC, and then make the program to transfer the nitter urls to a google spreadsheet.

That's my plan for upto noon today. I suppose I do need to take things one day at a time. That's all for now.

It's hard to come up with words for a first post. I don't really know what to say. And I'm afraid that whatever I end up writing will be cringe or embarrassing. But there is power in opening up and speaking (or writing) whatever is on my mind. If nothing else, it helps me see my own thoughts more clearly.

My plan for this blog is simple. This is going to be my outlet. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (among other things). And I feel anxious. A lot. I worry a lot. This place will be an outlet for my worries. A place where I can air out all my thoughts (rational or otherwise). My hope is that by doing so, I will be able to handle my anxiety better and thus function better in day-to-day life.

So let's start with what I am worrying about at the moment. Mastodon. I want it to succeed. I need something that can replace Twitter.

Why ? Because Twitter has been immensely useful to me. I have been able to find a huge list of doctors on Twitter (which I would not have found just by relying on Google or Franktalk). My hope is that all of those doctors will move on to Mastodon as the default.

But as people move to Mastodon, already I see schisms emerging. Some people are dissing Mastodon (claiming it will never replace Twitter), while at the same time criticizing Twitter. Others want discoverability to be lowered.

All of this inhibits people from moving to Mastodon. And inhibiting discoverability means I can't find doctors on Mastodon in the future. I don't understand why can't people just private their profile if they do not wish to be discovered ?

Another worry of mine is the discoverability of profiles on the Profile Explorer page. Every Mastodon instance has a Profile Explorer page that lists all the profiles on the instance. I could use this to look for doctors who I know of (or scan profile bios for relevant keywords). I am afraid that this feature could go away. Or it could be made optional on instances. Or the profiles shown could be made opt-out by default.

This can spin off in so many directions, many of which will hurt my ability to search for medical professionals on the network.

And I have little to no control over what will happen.

However I do have a current list of doctors. So here's my contingency plans for now:

• Make a database of those doctors by country (use the Coloplast and Boston Scientific/AMS websites as well as Youtube/Instagram/Twitter/Franktalk)
• Write up a tool that will archive all Twitter posts of the doctors I follow. I already have the screenshots of their public feeds, but I need to write a tool that will get their conversations as well.
• Write a tool that will archive all of Franktalk
• Write a tool that will allow me to search/archive all of Mastodon and all of its instances, and alert me for specific keywords. I might need AWS for this, so I'll get one.

Other than that, I also need to focus on studying for GATE, while at the same time not have the studying be outcome oriented. This will be difficult to do, but I will try. Because that's all I can do.

I will also try to blog here everyday. Although I can't guarantee that I will.