qqmrichter

In a short conversation on Mastodon I got the idea of an updated version of Atlas Shrugged that wasn't focused on railroads and was instead focused on a) modern technology (social media, to be specific), and b) so-called “enshittification” (thank you, Dr. Doctorow!), the purest expression of Objectivism I've ever seen. This has led to this piece of absolutely trash writing just so I could get it out of my system. This will not be edited to improve it over time. This is literally just here so you can suffer like I did in conceiving it. I have tried to match the ludicrousness of Ayn Rand's writing style without losing my soul in the process.

Max Proffit stood before a gathering of fellow captains of industry in the grand atrium of Galtopia, his arms gesturing dramatically as he addressed the crowd with fervour.

“Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed champions of the free market, I stand before you today to extol the virtues of enshittification—the glorious process by which we strip away the superfluous layers of altruism and reveal the raw, unadulterated essence of capitalism! Let us not shy away from this truth: enshittification is not merely a consequence of our actions; it is the very pinnacle of our philosophy! It is the process through which we cast aside the shackles of mediocrity and embrace the exhilarating heights of selfishness.”

Max paused to take in the elation of the crowd, watching as they absorbed his message of the true beauty of capitalism stripped to its very core. He continued, “In a world where every transaction is tainted by the insipid notion of ‘community,’ we must celebrate this beautiful descent into chaos as a testament to our unwavering commitment to individualism!”

He paused for effect, allowing his words to sink further in. “Think about it! When we allow our products to degrade, when we prioritize profit over quality, we are not failing; we are liberating ourselves from the burdensome expectations imposed by those who cling to outdated notions of service and responsibility. We are sending a clear message: that true value lies not in what we offer, but in what we can extract from those who dare to engage with us!”

The crowd murmured in agreement, their enthusiasm growing.

“Consider the magnificence of a world where every service is reduced to its most basic form—where convenience is sacrificed at the altar of profit! Why should we waste resources on customer satisfaction when we can instead focus on maximizing our margins? A true capitalist understands that every moment spent catering to the whims of others is a moment stolen from our own pursuit of greatness! And let us not forget—the more enshittified our offerings become, the more we reveal the true nature of human desire. When faced with inferior products and degraded services, individuals will be forced to confront their own choices. They will rise or fall based on their ability to adapt in this glorious game of survival! Is that not the essence of capitalism? The survival of the fittest, where only those who can navigate this brave new world will thrive?”

He raised his voice, his passion igniting the room. “So let us embrace enshittification as a badge of honour! Let us wear it proudly as we march forward into a future where only the strongest prevail. For it is through this process that we demonstrate our commitment to unyielding self-interest. We are not mere providers; we are titans shaping the marketplace in our image! In conclusion, my fellow captains of industry, let us not recoil from enshittification! Let us revel in its chaos and destruction, for it is through this magnificent process that we affirm our superiority over those who cling to outdated ideals. Together, we shall build a world where selfishness reigns supreme—a world where every act is an expression of our unassailable will!”

With fervent applause erupting around him, Max bowed slightly, basking in the glow of his audience’s adoration. “Thank you! Thank you! Now go forth and enshittify with pride!”

As Proffit concluded his impassioned speech, the atmosphere in the grand atrium of Galtopia was electric with fervour. The audience, a sea of eager capitalist leaders, is hanging on his every word, ready to embrace the enshittification he so gloriously champions.

“Together, we shall build a world where selfishness reigns supreme—a world where every act is an expression of our unassailable will!” he declared, his voice booming with conviction.

Suddenly, without warning, the lights flickered ominously. The grand chandeliers overhead—once symbols of opulence—begin to sway precariously. A loud creaking noise echoed through the hall as the walls started to peel away, revealing a dilapidated structure beneath the glamorous facade. Max paused mid-sentence, confusion washing over his face as he looked around.

“What’s happening?” he asked, incredulous.

The crowd gasped as the floor beneath them began to sag and warp. The plush carpeting turned into a sticky mess that seems to absorb their shoes with every step.

“Is this… part of the experience?” one audience member whispered nervously to nobody in particular.

As if in response to their collective anxiety, a large banner unfurled from the ceiling, reading: “Welcome to Galtopia’s First Annual Enshittification Festival!”

Max attempted to regain control of the situation. “This is merely a demonstration of our commitment to capitalism! Look how it reflects the natural order!”

His voice, however, was drowned out by the sound of a nearby projector sputtering to life, displaying a comically exaggerated Google Doodle celebrating “The Art of Degradation.” The doodle featured animated characters gleefully destroying everything in sight while chanting slogans like “Less is More!”

Just then, a voice crackled over the PA system: “Attention! Due to unforeseen circumstances, we regret to inform you that all services have been downgraded! Please enjoy our complimentary ‘Bare Minimum’ refreshments at the exit!”

Max’s eyes widened in horror as he watched attendees slip and slide across the now gooey floor while trying to escape. “No! This isn’t what I meant!” he shouted, but it was too late. The audience burst into laughter as they navigated through the chaos—some even pulling out their phones to document the absurdity for social media.

In a final ironic twist, as Max attempted to salvage his dignity by delivering one last rallying cry for individualism amidst the pandemonium, a piece of falling debris landed squarely on his head. He stumbled back into a pile of discarded promotional materials that read: “Embrace Enshittification: It’s Good for Business!” The crowd erupted in laughter again, as amidst their amusement, they realized that Max’s grand vision had quite literally crumbled beneath him.

The laughter did not last for long as the rest of the building plummeted down on them, burying them in the debris of capitalist collapse.