I'm a 31 year old man lost at sea, in need of a port. I've resisted self-pity and negativity for a long time, and will carry on doing so – but the truth is, I need some help.
Writing has always been cathartic, though I always end up writing for an audience. I'm a marketer in the day time (something I'm beginning to resent more and more), so I have to fight the urge to sell what I'm writing.
So let's give the over-sharing, timeline-of-depressive-notes a go!
Last week I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia, a progressive condition where the nerve on the right side of my face has no protection left around it. Possible causes include MS, which an upcoming MRI should either count in or out.
It's fucking painful, and it's fucking terrifying, to be honest. I'll need a lot of mindfulness sessions to cope if it carries on, which – from what I've read – is likely.
I'm not used to being the one needing help, that needs some support. I actively repel help. Back to that 31 year old man fact, I guess. I've always been open with my emotions though, just never taking that step to ask someone else to fix them up at all.
What the diagnosis has shown me is that I am already depressed, and the poor camel now has a broken back. I'm lost, ungrounded, directionless.
My memory and cognitive ability has been dripping away for some time, which leads me to expect that MS is at the root of the nerve 'issue'. I've only just admitted that to the doctor, and family. Colleagues might have to wait on that news, I can't yet bring myself to take that risk. What if they prepare to get rid of me, knowing I'm on a downward slope?
Anyway, I at least plan to check in here to exorcise some thoughts a couple of times a week. One thing I've written down that I'd like to work on is being part of a caring community, and I'm taking a look at the fediverse. Who better to reach out to than open-source heads?
Just forgive me for switching back to Windows after 15 years of *nix. I know not what I do.