Confessions of an Urban Naxal

My uniform is the long kurta and jeans, and my weapon is my opinion. I will assault anyone within range.

I like to eat small babies.

I assault communal harmony by reminding people of how exploitative Hinduism is. Never mind that one of the architects of our constitution was the one who taught generations of us these ideas. Speaking of the constitution, maybe we should get rid of it. Have you seen what the guy who wrote it had to say about Hinduism? Anti-national fellow.

I once tore the wings off a butterfly while I watched it squirm.

I like to offend by reminding people that our Prime Minister has been at the head of not one, but two pogroms. What an over-achiever, most people don't get the chance to head even one.

I eat beef.

I do not enjoy being a productive member of society – I would much rather sit at “protests” and watch with pleasure as we disrupt traffic. Urban Naxals famously love traffic, and will do anything in our power to make it worse.

I once ran over a cow and laughed.

I protest the Delhi violence purely to destabilize the government. Not because of the police brutality or the government complicity. I made that up to look cool in front of my other Urban Naxal friends.

The fact that Urban Naxals and the United Nations share initials is entirely coincidental.

Our favourite way to disrupt the peace is by holding candle light vigils, which is well known to be the most effective tool to bring down governments. If only we replaced the army with Urban Naxals we will be able to establish an empire in no time.

Finally on behalf of all Urban Naxals, I want to say that deploying the AAP as a sleeper cell of the BJP was a master-stroke.